Smile-breaks
Whiter than white, those teeth
(Reprint, revised)
Last week when I met my son for breakfast, he flashed me a dazzling smile. All I could see were teeth. White teeth. Whiter-than-white teeth. Lots of teeth. I swear he didn't used to have this many teeth.
Well, okay. So his teeth were white. No big deal. Instead of gasping, I opened my mouth to compliment him on the bleach job - my mouth with the not-so-white teeth in it. Unconsciously I pulled my lips further down over my teeth. It was difficult to talk, but better than letting him see my un-whitened, un-bleached teeth.
Seems like we add something new every day to improve our looks. I can hardly keep up. Facelifts, tummy tucks, nose jobs, personal abs, perfect trainers – or was that the other way around?
Now, teeth aren't that important in the general scheme of things. But smiles are very important and what shows when you smile is important, too. You wouldn't want to have a few teeth missing when you smile - unless you're about five years old and the tooth fairy just paid you a huge, enormous sum for that tiny piece of enamel you put under your pillow last night. And you wouldn't want to have dirty teeth or crooked teeth when you smile.
But straightened, clean, freshly brushed teeth are not enough any more. Now you have to have freshly bleached teeth. This bleaching business is not a one-shot deal and what's more, after you've been properly bleached, you have to be careful what you eat. Blueberry pie is out. Rhubarb probably wouldn't be such a good idea, either. Definitely no tea, coffee or avocados.
Used to be, our teeth looked perfectly white against our tanned, bronzed, freckled or ruddy complexion. But now that everyone's skin has faded to pale ivory from lack of exposure to the outside world and its dangerous rays, our teeth are looking – well, not quite so white. More like, uh – ivory. Dull ivory. Very little contrast to our pale faces.
Not to worry. The solution is as close as the nearest dental office. The bleach solution, that is. Gleaming white teeth aren't any more efficient than dull ones, but at least we won't be embarrassed to smile, and maybe skipping the blueberry pie will take off a few pounds in case the tummy tuck slips. And when we get bored with all that shiny white enamel, we can put a Nike swoosh or a colorful butterfly on a few of our front teeth. Or trot down to the tooth tattoo artist for an artistic rendition of whatever it is that we like artistic renditions of.
And while we're talking about improvements, have you checked the whites of your eyes lately? A little dull, don't you think? And your pupils - are they black as coal? Now that you can change the irises from blue to green with contact lenses, you really should have whiter whites, blacker blacks. Yeah, the eyes definitely need some work.
I'm afraid I have a lot of catching up to do in this self-improvement business, so if you'll excuse me, I'm going outside to step on a ladder to – you know, lift my face - and then I'm going to breathe in real deep to tuck my tummy in, and about my abs – do I have those? Well, anyway, the nose will have to stay and I'll never again be able to define my muscles…
Oh never mind. I think I'll just leave the whitening, tucking, lifting and all those other improvements to somebody else. If you see someone with a ruddy complexion, ivory teeth, a bit of a tummy, and absolutely no abs – well, that'd be me. And I might have my lips closed, but I'll be smiling.
