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Concrete ’n Jazz ’n Disney World - A National Preserve for People

     Oh the beauty of the concrete! The sweetness of the jazz troupe! The magnificence of steel and glass buildings reaching toward the heavens!


     We’re in danger. You know it. I know it. We just haven’t been able to face up to it. It’s right there on the evening news: our concrete has been invaded by seals; the gophers are eating our neatly laid sod; and the rats are eating the Honda hoses.

     Yep, the environment for humans is in danger. And this isn’t a sudden condition. It’s been coming on for years and we’ve just been too lazy to do anything about it. Watching American Idol and listening to Rush and Dr. Laura and chatting with our friends over dinner. Just too darn lazy to see what’s happening.

     Meanwhile, the mountain lions are tromping on our sidewalks, playing in our parks and scaring us out of our wits. In other parts of the country, deer stroll down in herds to enjoy dinner in the Smith’s garden and breakfast at the Bykowski’s – without even asking permission or leaving a decent tip.

     What’s a human to do?

     Well, it’s obvious. We need to set aside a national preserve for humans. Several of them. And we’d better do it quick.

     Imagine – several millions of acres of land where the pristine beauty of asphalt streets, trolley tracks and smoothly running escalators are undisturbed by nature. A place where humans can roam free, unafraid of encounters with beavers or bears - or those pesky gnatcatchers. A place where scooters and trolleys and Harleys can zoom around without tripping over a spider. A place where a person can play cards in peace.

     Now, I always say you’re likely to find yourself right smack in the middle of a Smile-breaks column, but I’m afraid you might not be able to do that today. You’re probably tending to the weeds in back of your house – making sure they remain au naturel for future generations. Or checking your Honda for rats. Or spraying those waterbugs that romp and hide in your house during the wee hours of the night.

     When you get done, come on over ’n sign my petition for a national preserve of human habitat. No animals allowed. We’ll have Starbucks and Wal-marts and Disney Worlds. We’ll have swimming pools and hot tubs and parties galore.

     We’ll show those animals! We’ll set aside a dozen or so human habitat preserves, North, South, East and West and in the middle. No animals allowed. They can’t come in. Not even on shuttle buses. Not even if they promise to stay off the sidewalks and erase their paw prints from our lawns.  

     Sports stadiums, planetariums and huge art museums - there’ll be something for all. Gameboys and PlayStations, theaters and cell phones (not together) and ten-week vacations and glorious cruise ships. And all of it free.

     Paid for, of course, by taxes collected from the animals. I’m sure the animals will be happy – almost relieved – to contribute to the preservation of the human race as it existed in the twenty-first century. Their progeny for thousands of years to come will thank them. Their grandanimals and great-grandanimals will be able to enjoy the same pristine beauty of freeway interchanges and housing tracts and casinos that they themselves enjoy today.

     A world without people – it wouldn’t be natural. No buildings for the rats and mice to scuttle around in. No leftover food in the garbage cans at the camping grounds. No Park Rangers to smile at.

     Yep, today is the day to act. Send your favorite Presidential candidate an e-mail and tell him you’ll vote for him. All he has to do is propose and support a constitutional amendment to preserve the human species.

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