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Amazing - Simply Amazing What We Can Do These Days

     I heard an amazing thing tonight that reminded me of another amazing thing, and that, for some strange reason, reminded me of the paper towel attack in the San Joaquin Valley.

     I was driving home this evening, minding my business – and the black and white in front of me – while some guy on the radio went on and on about the Mediterranean Diet and what you might be eating for dinner if you were a follower of this particular diet.  I heard something about “drenched in olive oil,” and tuned out - but he kept on talking. I was about to change the station when I heard it.

     It was so amazing that my ears perked up and my eyebrows raised six inches off my forehead. The guy said – honest to gosh, this is what he said – “It’s recently been proven that those who live by the Mediterranean Diet reduce their chances of dying by sixty-four percent.”

     Well, I’ve never been too much into dying – especially lately – so I’m thinking of adopting the Mediterranean lifestyle any day now.

     For some reason, this reminded me of an ad I saw in the America West magazine last month. When I saw it I blinked and read it again. Three times. But sure enough – this is what it said: “You’ll get pregnant AND have a Baby… or you’ll get your money back. 100%. Guaranteed!”

     My first thought was of all the men I know – and then I thought of old people and... well, I thought this was simply amazing. About the babies. Who ever thought of guaranteeing babies?

     While pondering what this world is coming to, I remembered the attack of the paper towels – a bit more mundane than life without dying or guaranteed money-back babies, but nevertheless, a new element of life in the city. Or suburbs. Or wherever you happen to be living these days.

     The attack happened in an ordinary-looking washroom in a restaurant in the middle of the San Joaquin Valley. I had recently left the stall with the auto-flush that never auto-flushes until you’re halfway out the door, and was heading toward the sink closest to the wall, when I noticed that the faucets didn’t have any handles. But this was old hat to me – lots of faucets have no handles. You just stand there and wave your hands delicately back and forth under the faucet so it can see you and nothing happens, so you wave them a bit more definitely and nothing happens, so you wave them frantically and still nothing happens, so you turn around to walk out and that’s when the water gushes out of the faucet. It always stops before you get your hands back under it.

     I was deep in thought, anticipating this little exercise and how to approach it, when a paper towel slammed into my left cheek. There was no one but me in the washroom – far as I could tell, anyway. I turned to my left - where the paper towel had come from - and saw only a silver paper towel dispenser, firmly attached to the wall.

     I stepped up to the – wham! Hit me again! Another paper towel. I stood still as a flagpole and turned my head very slowly toward the dispenser. It looked back at me and then I realized. Ohmigosh! The paper towel dispensers? I put my hand in front of the dispenser and sure enough – out popped a towel. I prob’ly did it about five times before I got bored and reached for the sink with the automatic faucets.

     Amazing. Who thinks all this stuff up? I’m now envisioning years and years of dodging paper towels, never dying, and having babies whenever I – nah. Think I’ll skip that part. 

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