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Zippers Go Up... Zippers Go...

     Zippers go up; zippers go down. Sometimes. Sometimes they don’t. ’S okay if they don’t go up - if you’re still at home. Not okay if they don’t go down, no matter where you are.

     My favorite gray slacks have a zipper. Goes up all right. Goes down perfectly. Goes down by itself. That’s the problem. I fished around and found a safety pin – remember those? Put it through the zipper pull and when I wear those slacks, I hook the top of the pin on the little flat thing you put through the slot to hold your pants up and keep your waist looking slim ’n trim. If it is.

     Anyway, the safety pin keeps the zipper from unzipping during the day and it’s easy to undo when I need to unzip. Also, it doesn’t show, which is a good thing. It pokes me all day – that’s not so good, but I try to ignore it. The price of not paying for a new zipper.

     Zippers are temperamental, especially in cold weather,. They keep getting stuck in the lining of your jacket. The zipper’s on heavy cotton cloth; the jacket lining’s made of slippery silk or nylon that loves to get caught in zippers. Pull the zipper up – won’t go. Tug on the zipper to pull it down – won’t go. Trick is to hold the bottom of the jacket down firmly and yankthezipperasfastasyoucan without ripping the lining. Usually it doesn’t work.

     If you’ve got a hot date with you, maybe he/she can help. Hold the jacket while you pull. If it doesn’t work, heck, keep the jacket on ’til you get home.

     Then there are the zippers that suddenly unzip without warning. Just as you’re congratulating yourself on getting the zipper all the way up, the bottom comes apart. You know, the teeth separate and work their way up to the top and now you’re zipped up at the throat, but nowhere below it.

     Let me tell you, you’re in for a heckuva good time now. Can’t zip down. Can’t get the teeth below to mesh. Stuck at the throat with nowhere to go. Sorry. This isn’t a how-to column. Can’t tell you what to do.

     Sometimes if you catch it early enough, just when it starts coming apart, you can slide the zipper down and try to catch the teeth in the zipper’s mouth and work your way down from there. Good luck.

     Like I said, if your zipper doesn’t go up and you’re at home getting dressed for the day, you can just take it off - the dress or the jacket or the slacks – and choose something else to wear. Easy.

     But I don’t have anything else to wear! What then? Too bad. Like I said, this isn’t a how-to column. But if I may say so, that plum-colored one will do. It isn’t that bad. At least it doesn’t have a zipper.

     Then there are the zippers that would go up if you’d let them. You know, if you hadn’t gained those pounds. But never fear, you don’t have to take this lying down. Well, yes – you do. I wasn’t going to tell you how to solve your zipper problems, but you prob’ly already know this, so here goes: unzip completely. Lie flat on the bed and be sure your legs are dangling over the edge. This helps the flattening process. Take a firm grip on the zipper pull. Take a firm grip on the cloth below the zipper.

     Inhale deeply. Pull as far as you can. Inhale once more. Can’t you suck it in more than that? C’mon, you can do it. Wow! You look great! Now - can you get up off the bed?

     Well, that about zips it up for this week.

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