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The Glare Just About Knocked Me Over

     It’s great. I haven’t figured it out yet, but it’s great. It was even better after we disconnected the hot water hose from the cold water inlet and put it where it belonged.

     I haven’t finished studying the manuals yet. Actually I wasn’t going to study them at all. Like I said last week, you just start the water, toss in the clothes and some detergent, and push “Start.”

     So that’s what I did. I scooped up a load of colored clothes and opened the funny round door at the front of the washer. Well, I tried to open the door.  And then I reached for that manual.

     Sixty-three pages. Somewhere in those sixty-three pages is the secret to opening the door. Figuring it would be near the beginning, I skipped “Installation Preparations” and “Installation” and went straight to “Starting Your Washer.”

     At the top of the page was a solid black square: “!WARNING.” Don’t ask me why the exclamation mark was in front of the warning. I have no idea.

     The “!WARNING” instructed me not to put any clothes with cooking oils in the washer. I don’t know where else you’d wash them, but the manual said that could cause an explosion with flames and loud noises so I won’t do that any more.

     I wish I’d never read that manual. I’ve been merrily throwing the clothes in the washer unzipped, unbuttoned, unhooked and with the pockets stuck inside the pants. I never once thought to turn down the cuffs and remove the lint.

     I finally got to the part about opening the door. I read it carefully, closed the manual and went to the laundry room. No problem opening the door.  The Padres were losing in the other room and I didn’t want to miss an eighth inning comeback, so I reverted to my old ways. I tossed the clothes in the washer and pushed the Start button.

     Nothing happened. I pushed it again. Still nothing. I checked to make sure the washer was plugged in. It was.

     Here we go.  Back to the manual.

     On page fifteen it said you have to press the “Controls On” button to activate the “Start” button. Now how come I didn’t think of that?

     I went back to the laundry room and pushed the “Controls On” button and then I pushed the “Start” button. Nothing happened.

     I pushed it again. This time I wrassled it down and held on ’til I heard water gurgling into the machine.

     Ah! The Padres were loading the bases. Klesko was at the plate and that didn’t give me a whole lot of hope, but you never know…

     I couldn’t hear sloshing in the laundry room. Was the washer still running? I got up to take a look just as Klesko popped out to right field – yeah, for the third out.

     Ohmigosh! The lights blinded me! A luminous red glare filled the laundry room. It came from millions of miniature stop lights on the front of my new washer. Actually, fifty-six. I counted them the next morning, after I got my sight back.

     It was the options. Not stock, or I’d be richer than the Apple computer guy. No, it was laundry options. More soil, less soil.  Normal/casual or Heavy Duty.  High spin, medium spin, low spin or no spin.  For this there should be a thousand page manual. At the very least a “Laundering for Dummies” book.

     Like I said, I haven’t figured out my new washer yet. Or the dryer, either. But they’re great. They’re beautiful. Some days I go in there just to admire them. Kind’a like when you meet someone who fascinates you, but for the life of you, you don’t know how he or she works.

     By the way, the Padres came through in the ninth, so I’m thinking maybe there’s hope for the rest of my laundry season.

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