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Laptop Gets a Frisking

     The line was way shorter than it’s ever been at six in the morning. I showed my photo i.d. and boarding pass to the security guard and walked over to the surgical table where I took off my shoes, took off my jacket, took off my – oh! They told me to put that back on.

     I put my laptop in one of those gray plastic bins on the surgical table beside the conveyor belt that rumbles through the tunnel and reappears on the other side with – you hope - no bells or sirens going off.

     I took it out of its case - like the sign said - and put the empty case into another gray bin. On top of that went my purse and my cell phone and my shoes and my jacket.

     You haf’ta do all this in a hurry ’cause the guy behind you is pushing his bin up against yours, and yeah, I get the idea, buddy. I got a good hold of my carry-on suitcase and hefted it up onto the conveyor belt, right smack on top of his gray plastic bin.

     Well, that’s what I was aiming for, but he was quick. He pulled his bin away just as my bag came flying onto the table.

     Undressing and unpacking completed, I turned and walked barefoot through the metal arch – no bells, no flashing red lights – and reached for my stuff on the conveyor belt. Got the suitcase; got my purse; got my shoes and my jacket and quick put them on ’cause the bins behind were tumbling all over each other trying to crash into mine. I jammed the laptop into its case, slid my feet into my shoes and went on my merry way.

     Two steps.


     Oh, no… was I going to be frisked? Was there something in my shoes? The guard came from out of nowhere - somewhere off to my left. He was smiling pleasantly, but they do that to make you think they’re your friend.

     “Ma’am, we’re going to have to take a look at your computer,” he said.

     Whew! They can frisk my computer any time. Me? You wanna frisk me, it’s gotta be when I’m in the mood.

     The smiling guard escorted me over to the interrogation room. Actually, it was just a chair out in the open where everyone could see that I was under suspicion. He helped himself to my laptop – laptop! I said! – and said he’d be right back.

     You know, I thought I saw a slight smile of satisfaction on my laptop’s keyboard as the security guard took it away. An unexpected adventure, I guess.

     The security guard came right back, like he said. He took a long black scrub brush off a hook a few feet away from me. Well, it looked like a scrub brush. I’m pretty sure it was an electronic wand of some sort.

     Next thing I knew, he was in front of me again, handing me my laptop.

     “Thank you. You can go now.”

     My laptop looked dejected. I was a little disappointed myself. All that interesting stuff in there and they only took thirty seconds to check it out?

     Jiminy! How’d they know I didn’t have something in there? Maybe I was storing incredible unknown information about the latest endangered species and why it was disappearing. Maybe I had the answer to global warming in there… Maybe I had the answer to rising gasoline prices in there…

     Maybe… Maybe not.

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