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When in a Hurry, Rely on the Guy Behind You

     Have you ever wanted to steal someone’s identity? It usually starts innocently, “Oh, I wish I could go to Hawaii with you!” and then the thought slips in, “I wish I had your body,” and next thing you know you’re ready to quit your job, leave your family and become a surfer dude.

     Well, that’s a little far-fetched. But with all this identity theft stuff going on, with all that personal information right there on the Internet, and Defense Department people taking CDs home to study and burglars stealing Defense Department staffers’ CDs, it gets a person to thinking.

     What if we could trade identities with each other? You want mine? It’s yours! No, I don’t really want yours. I was thinking more like maybe Condoleezza Rice.

     Boy! Would I set them straight! Condi has the ears of all the important people in Washington and around the world. Think what I could accomplish.

     Don’t think Bush would approve. Better look elsewhere.

     How ’bout, um… Mark Grant! What fun to sit up in that broadcast booth with Matt Vasgersian and swirl the shillelagh stick around and snap the Padres out of a five-game slump into a fantastic ninth inning win against the Seattle Mariners?

     Or… Yeah! I’d love to be the owner of Starbucks! I’d give my employees coffee-breaks every ten minutes. Of course, they’d have to pay for their coffee. Gee, even one Starbucks to own would be fun. I don’t think I could handle more than fifty.

     Who would you like to be? Always wanted to sing your heart out on American Idol? Or better, be one of the judges, with all that power to make – or break - a star?

     Like to steal your Mom’s identity? She’d never again tell you not to wear that shirt with those slacks - ’cause you’d be her. Unless you think you shouldn’t. Wear that plaid flannel shirt with the black dress slacks.

     I asked my son whose identity he’d like to steal. I didn’t put it quite that way. I just asked who he’d like to be, if he could be anyone in the world. He didn’t hesitate for a second.

     He named the husband of his favorite most gorgeous rock star. I’ll keep the name anonymous, in case you consider yourself the most gorgeous rock star in town. He’d trade places with him any day.

     Tonight I’d kind ’a like to be my grandson. He’s going to the Prom – going “stag.” Imagine how much fun that would be!
Maybe that’s why those identity thieves steal so many identities. Can’t make up their minds. Get addicted. One identity for every day of the year.

     Except for a few really good ones you’d prob’ly want to keep for at least a year. Others, like Olympic Gold Medal winners, you’d only want for a day. Who needs all those years of hard work and training? But to experience the thrill of flying off the ski jump and landing further down the hill than anyone in the world has ever done and put on your hat and go home – now that’s living!

     Christmas – whose identity would you steal for Christmas? Santa has a pretty reputable identity, although its legitimacy has been questioned. A sleigh ride over the top of the world sounds pretty fun to me. But those trips down the chimneys… I could do without those.

     I’ve been thinking about trying on a bunch of different identities this summer, but I have this funny feeling that my skin isn’t going to feel too comfortable in most of them. And all that work I’ve done getting to know who I am, and trying to make improvements here and there - and some other places, too. Sorry, Condi. You’re going to have to stay where you are. You, too, Mark.

     I’ve got my identity and I’m stickin’ to it.

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