Smile-breaks
Driving
Grab your keys! Get something with four wheels and a steering wheel. We’re going for a drive! Never driven before? No problem—here’s how, in four easy steps.
- Destination: You have to have somewhere to go else there’s no point to it. Let’s go to Phoenix; lots of empty road on the way in case you wobble out of the proper lane. By the time you get there, you’ll have this driving stuff mastered. Which is good, because Phoenix streets are full of cars, buses, SUVs, semi’s, motorcycles, and an occasional pedestrian.
- Keys: Slip your key into the ignition slot—it’s on the side of the steering wheel in a circle of chrome. Put the gear in Park. You can’t miss the gear shift; it’s pretty big. Park is the P slot. Got it? Good. Now put your foot on the brake—that’s the pedal by your left foot but put your right foot on it—and turn the key until the motor roars to life. Or hums, if you have one of those quiet cars. The roar-ers are more fun, but que sera sera.
- Gears and pedals: Shift the gear into the R slot. R for Reverse. No, we’re not doing the manual shift thing. That would take a book! Take your foot off the brake and press the accelerator—that’s the pedal by your right foot. Whoa! What’d you do to the garage door?! STOP! You were s’posed to open the garage door. Press that thing over your head, on the visor. Got it? Okay. Now touch the accelerator lightly—LIGHTLY! Look both ways behind you—there’s nothing in front of you, just the garage wall. We’ll never get to Phoenix.
- Streets: You have to have something to drive on, so find a street near your driveway and turn the steering wheel—the big doughnut-shaped wheel between you and the windshield. You know what the windshield is, right? Good. Turn the steering wheel left and we’re off. No worries, it’s only five hundred miles to Phoenix. Wait ’til you see the desert! There’s nobody out there—just a few SUVs, tractor trailers and motorhomes speeding down the highway, but that won’t be a problem. Just get in the left lane and whiz by them. Be sure to wave as you pass; they like that.
- CDs: CDs are the last part of the fourth easy step to driving. Without CDs, driving would be fantastically boring. None of those EZ listening CDs, though. You’ll fall asleep. Gotta have rousing, foot-stomping CDs. But don’t stomp your feet unless you’re in cruise control; just slap the steering wheel or thump your thigh.
That’s it. Don’t forget to wave at the SUVs and tractor trailers as you sail by.
SHORT VERSION: Put key in ignition; CD in CD slot; choose destination; turn key; put gear in Reverse to get out of the garage; turn onto street, press accelerator, GO; wave at other drivers as you pass.