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Buying Online was So Much Easier...

     “Your order for a brand-new chocolate mint phone is confirmed.” Fantastic!

     I couldn’t wait to tell the guy who’s celebrating our anniversary in a few months how quick and easy it was to order a phone online. Last time I bought a new phone I had to drive across town to the Verizon store and wait in line. Then I had to wait while they checked everything on their computers. And then we haggled the price and then I waited while they wrote up the order and transferred the data from my old phone to my new phone. Then I drove home and read the instruction manual because nothing works like the old one and – oh, sorry. I’m getting ahead of myself.

     Buying online was way faster and easier. I was ecstatic!

     Until I printed out my order confirmation. Right phone. Wrong number. They’re giving my brand-new chocolate mint phone to my son. That’s his number they’ve got. No way he’s going to walk around with a lime green chocolate mint phone. Not my chocolate mint phone.

     I hurried back to the online and looked for a place to change the order, but there was none. I clicked on “Contact Support.” That always works if it’s Tuesday and you’re wearing a red bandana. I didn’t want to wait ’til Tuesday and I lost my red bandana last week so I took my chances with Saturday morning, a Padres T-shirt and no bandana.

     I entered my name and e-mail address and favorite kind of paper clips in the little oblong boxes and then I began typing my request to change the phone to my number in the comments box. Was almost done when another box popped up, off to the left.

     “Want a live chat with a rep?”

     Sure beats talking to myself in a little white box. I went off to the new box and met Harris, my live chat partner. I confided in him and waited for him to tell me he’d take care of everything for me.

     He told me to call 1-800.

     I called 1-800. I was only on hold for three minutes and then I answered all the questions and waited for the lady to tell me she’d take care of everything for me.

She told me to call 1-800. A different 1-800.

     I called. A computerized voice told me how important I was to Verizon and put me on hold. But first the voice told me to keep hanging onto my phone because someone would be with me momentarily. I kept hanging, but I lost count after the twenty-third “Someone will be with you momentarily” message.

     Still hanging, I went to tell my guy I was on the phone and wouldn’t be able to share that piece of strawberry pie with him. On my way to tell him, the phone beeped three times and fell over dead.

     I figured it was the battery, but the battery was fine when I re-dialed 1-800 and got put on hold again. I held forever and eight days and then a friendly lady came on the line and asked what she could do for me. I confided in her and waited for her to tell me she’d take care of everything for me.

     She told me to call 1-800.

     Just kidding. She told me when the phone arrived I could change the number myself when I activated it.

     When I activate it? I’ve never activated a phone in my life. They do that for you when you buy it. Don’t they?

     No, she tells me, you have to go online to activate it. Or you can take it to the nearest Verizon store.

     Life is full of marvelous choices.

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